I know there’s a lot planned for the village, but I have one simple question: What in the hell is wrong with that traffic light at the intersection of Linglestown Road and Colonial Road? You know the one; at the corner with Sheetz, Weis, and KoKoMo’s Aroogas.  Whenever I’m travelling from Harrisburg, that light turns red.  Always. I have never, ever — in my eleven years of living in the area — made it through that light while it was green. At first I assumed it was some sort of clever, hidden speed enforcement method.  Maybe there are two pressure sensors, and if you’re going over 40mph, you’ll cycle the light.  Or maybe it’s timed to other area lights, like Second Street in midtown Harrisburg (ever notice how you’ll nail every green light as it changes if you start at Forester and drive exactly 25mph?).  But I’ve tested it at and below the speed limit, and it doesn’t make a difference.  So scratch those ideas. Then I started thinking that maybe there was some sort of goofy cross traffic, like a vehicle that had turned right on red just before I approached.  But since the intersection is deserted when I drive through (usually around 1am), that’s not likely.  And the consistency of the event slams the book shut on that theory. My next thought was that maybe the Linglestown planners are just jerks.  But it’s a pretty nice village, and that doesn’t seem like the kind of behavior to fit the community. So I’m left with two possible theories: The first, and most ominous, is that Sheetz has secretly infiltrated the highest echelons of our government.  That’s right:  PennDOT.  Somewhere deep in the hidden bureaucratic mazes of PennDOT Galactic Control sits a Sheetz employee whose sole purpose in life is to drive traffic to convenient and friendly Sheetz Locations by diverting adjacent traffic through the timely manipulation of traffic control devices.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stopped at that damned red light and thought “Well since I’m here, I might as well go inside for some delicious, delicious Sheetz coffee.  I wonder if this morning’s always-fresh pastries are out yet?”  For me personally, that single light has easily diverted several thousand dollars from my checking account to Sheetz over the years. And maybe it doesn’t stop there.  Our entire Interstate system was mostly built in the 1960s and 1970s.  During that exact same timeframe, Sheetz was rapidly expanding from one location in 1962 to nearly 100 stores at the close of the 1970s.  Through the marvels of modern highway engineering, our interstate highways provide speedy access through convenient, easy-to-find interchanges.  And were are most Sheetz stores found?  At convenient, easy-to-find locations! Sheetz has 344 locations spread out across multiple states; you know what ELSE spreads out across multiple states?  The Interstate system! Coincidence?  I think not.  Could Sheetz’s founders have had a hand in the development of our modern roadway infrastructure? Maybe that stretch of abandoned Turnpike was actually a small fragment of some long-forgotten Sheetz drive-thru experiment, the scale of which we may never truly appreciate. Perhaps selling delicious food, inexpensive gas, and the best gas-station coffee you’ll ever drink wasn’t enough; perhaps Sheetz has had a larger, more sinister plan in the works for longer than we can imagine!  If they’ve managed to infiltrate our commonwealth’s Department of Transportation — a prestigious, well-organized government entity whose efficiency and friendly service have made it the object of envy among developed nations around the world — who’s to say where their reach ends?  You may think that South Front Street complex is pretty spiffy right now, but just wait until you can order an MTO while while waiting for your number to come up in the queue.  Motor vehicle registration?  More like Awesome 12-Inch Meatball On Wheat (With Parmesan) Registration! The second possibility is that someone wired the light wrong. Either way, please fix it.

(HARRISBURG) - Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, has been hired to push alcohol to young people, Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board, Chairman Patrick "P.J." Stapleton announced today. The pregnant teen (at left in photo) was chosen due to what Stapleton called her "proven and impressive track record as a booze hound." Stapleton said he hoped a

(HARRISBURG) - State House Majority Leader Bill DeWeese was seen standing alone today on the floor of a darkened and otherwise vacant Pennsylvania House of Representatives delivering a speech in which he called upon himself to resign. "In light of the fact that nearly everyone I've dealt closely with in the past couple years has been indicted or probably will be soon, I urge myself to do the

While communities across the midstate are warming up for Tuesday's National Night Out Against Crime, burglars said they were poised to step up their efforts that night, as well. "While people are sitting on their front porches with their lights on in an attempt to 'send a message' to us, we'll be quietly slipping in through the back door and robbing them blind," said a veteran Harrisburg burglar

(READING) - Boscov's announced today that it laid off that old woman with a beehive hairdo. The move, which came amid rumors that the family-owned retail chain is struggling financially, came as a shock to some of the lady's fellow employees. Many said they were not sure what the woman did, as she seemed to pop up in many departments. Others speculated there might actually be more than one such

(MIDDLETOWN) - Family members, neighbors and others say Ralph Ruthbaum, who died this past week at age 78, was a complete asshole. "He was the kind of guy who would pull the blinds and turn off all the lights if he saw you coming toward his house," said Fred Staub, Ruthbaum's next-door neighbor. "He never took out the trash, he regularly extinguished lit cigarettes on our cat, and he farted

I got this from Jim who got it from Lefsetz who got it from a bar/venue in St. Louis called The Creepy Crawl. Most of it is pretty funny. All of it is pretty much true. Top 39 Annoying Things That Bands Do 1. Bands that feel compelled to bang on their drums and guitars in an [...]